Foamy: Where is the parent who does not piss me off!? Especially those with "newborns!" Nyah. Anytime I go out of the house and run across some newly-accursed parent, all I hear about is "how awesome their child is" and "how great it is to be a parent." Let me set you straight. You parents are like... victims of the POD people. Prior to the invasion, they all had interests. They all could laugh at crude humor, they all liked games, had friends, and it took a lot to offend them. Then, seemingly, overnight, while they were sleeping... this new creature bursts out of its host and eats up their individuality and sense of humor! Leaving behind that new baby smell-- Which frankly if you're not the parent, reeks of vomit and shit-- and the empty shells of formerly cool people. Now, my question is... why? What happens to the individual that alters the mind of these once interesting individuals? Where once they would discuss the exestensial impossibilities of time and space displacement, now... now they talk about baby rashes, and how their devil spawn "spits up their food in the cutest of ways." Fuck. You! Just because you have a kid, that doesn't mean you have to stop playing games, stop reading weird magazines, stop having an interest in music, movies, and so on! It does not mean your hobbies are now invalid! It does not mean you have to stop laughing at crude humor or sexual content. And your personal growth does not come to a screeching halt just because you now have a kid! Regardless of the "new addition" to your family, you are an individual! "Well, Foamy, you don't have kids, so... so you don't understand!" Yeah, I do. I understand perfectly. And frankly, being on the outside of all this newborn nonsense, I see things a lot clearer than you can with your diaper-covered eyes! But, now... Now it's all about the child. And the worst part is they try to get you to give a shit, and curb your sense of humor or your language "around the baby."
Tell an all-colored joke?
"Ohh, don't say that! There's a baby here!"
Fuck the baby, dude. Like the kid is never gonna hear the words fuck or shit. It's pretty much all they're gonna be doing for the rest of their lives, asshole! And there is no way in hell I'm gonna censor myself because you forgot to use a condom! That's what condoms are- genetic censoring! If you're not gonna censor yourself, neither am I!
And the best thing to do is call these fuckers out right in front of their kids, regardless of age. 'Cause they'll argue with you, while trying to set a "good example for their child" by using "soft language."
"Well, you're just a... a silly doodie head and I think you're being totally unreasonable!"
Oh, yeah. That sure changed my mind, buddy. Glad you've enlightened me.
"Well, I don't think I need to swear around the child to make my point clear."
No, you don't. But I bet right now you wish you could. Go fuck yourself and take your puke pod with you. And the next time there's a get-together, find a fucking babysitter!
Then they get all pissy.
"You wanna take this outside?"
No, I'm quite comfortable here with my martini. But if you need a breath of fresh air, make sure you take your putrid annoyance seed with you. Thanks for stopping by. (Flips the bird)
If things escalate and you get punched in the face, let them beat the crap out of you. Then, call the cops, press charges, and make sure he or she is put in jail so their kid grows up without a parent for a while. Cruel, you say? Hey, I don't fuck around. And when I do damage, it's gonna be in the form of long-lasting multi-generational psychological trauma. It's what I do.
(The End)
Foamy: Fucking brain dead baby spewing retards! Keep that fucking thing away from me! Leave it at home! Or in the trunk of your car. Just don't bring it here! Ah!