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The Transcript:

Foamy: Hammers and floodlights! For folks who do a lot of driving, have you noticed that over the course of the last few years, people have been operating their vehicles with increasingly poorer driving skills as the years go on? I have. And because of this, I've come up with a clever way to keep these idiotic motorists in check.


It all revolves around hammers and floodlights!! My solution: in order to grab the attention of these poor drivers, keep a box of hammers in the passenger seat and when someone gets out of line and say makes a four-lane change at 70 miles an hour to get to an exit that's a mere 100 feet away, just toss one of the hammers right out the windshield!

(sfx: glass breaks, Foamy tosses the hammer)

This will have a two-pronged effect on their driving. One: It'll get them off the road and out of your way in a fucking hurry. Two, after they crawl from their flaming wreck of an accident, they'll reflect on their actions and say to themselves: Man, my driving is so bad, people are throwing hammers at me. Thus, learning an important lesson.


The second part of my solution requires your vehicle to be outfitted with high-intensity floodlights pointing towards the traffic behind you. And for this to work, don't get the pussy-looking 200-watt kind. I'm talking about movie studio floodlights. Y'know, the type of lights that turn night into day! Now, now that your vehicle is outfitted with these retina-burning lightbulbs, whenever you get one of those assholes who just feels the need to high-beam you (mock) because you're going too slow (normal) just flick that floodlight switch mounted on your dashboard and blind the fucker for a minute and a half. Worse-case scenario: they go blind and trade up their big-ass SUV for a seeing eye dog (hold a seeing eye puppy). They can take the fucking bus for all I care! Overzealous light-flickering motherfuckers!!!!


Like all of a sudden just because some guy is riding my ass on the highway, flicking his fucking high beams at me, I'm supposed to get out of his way?

(mock) Oh, he's in a rush! He's flicking his high-beams at me! Oh, better get out of his way!

(normal) Fuck that (holds a hand sign saying FU) I sweve back and forth recklessly, with my brake lights on constantly, making damn sure he can't get around me. Or better yet, I find 2 people on a 3-lane road that are driving just as slow as I am on either side, and I go the same speed they're going so no one can get around me ever!

Let them sit and rot in traffic for all I care and fucking die, okay? Take the bus! Prick!!!


(END)

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