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Cell Phones & Car Ads

"Hey. Follow the sound of my voice and kill whoever is holding the phone."

Episode 94

Foamy can't stand people who talk about his or her calling plan, ringtones, people who forget where his or her car is, or people who think "Certified Pre-Owned" is superior to "used".

Cast (in order of appearance): Foamy

TranscriptEdit

Notice The content of the following transcription is rated at a level equal or similar to R.

Profanity, violence, and/or sexual content may be found at moderate to high levels.

{The Warning screen appears.}

{The view shows a grassy field and clear skies. Foamy appears.}

Foamy: People who tell you about their cell phone plans are really pissing me off. You know, when they whip out their phone {Holds up cell phone, drops} and start gabbing. As soon as they hang up, they start telling you all about how great their fucking cell phone plan is. No one cares. But wait, {mocking} "I get free nights, free weekends, free in-plan calling, free family plan, free text messaging, and free picture messaging." Well then, if all this shit is free, why are you paying seventy dollars a month for it? And I'm, personally, sick and tired of these idiotic commercials for ringtones. Every fucking jackoff half-musician is turning their already vile music into fucking ringtones. Your music sucks enough as it is. Turning it into an 8-bit audio file that sounds like it came from a video game system from the 1980s is not going to enhance the quality of it. And that's another thing. I miss the good, old-fashioned phone ring. {imitates phone ringing} What the fuck happened to this? Now all you get is some poor quality rendition of Mozart's "Requiem" blasting out of some kid's cell phone. {sarcastically} Yes, Mozart would be proud to know that some of his greatest works are now so unappreciated that they are used merely as a ringtone to let people know that someone is on the other line. Wonderful. You know what? If I made Foamy ringtones, it would sound something like this: Hey, follow the sound of my voice and kill whoever is holding the phone. I bet the owner of that phone wouldn't let it go past the first ring. On another topic, people who lose their car in the parking lot. {mocking} "Hm, I don't know, let's see, where did I park?" {sarcastically} Well gee, I mean, it's only a twenty thousand dollar piece of machinery that you're still making payments on. Why on Earth would you want to remember where you left' it? Seriously! And another thing about cars, "Certified Pre-Owned". When the hell did used cars become "Certified Pre-Owned"? Huh? That's fucking bullshit. It's just a way to get you to pay more money. People used to be like, {imitating} I'm not gonna pay six thousand dollars for that car. It's fucking used! {in normal voice} Now because they've been manipulated by marketing wordplay, they're like, {mocking} "I only paid six thousand dollars for a certified pre-owned vehicle." Great. "Certified Pre-Owned". Now you have documentation stating that this car officially had the shit beaten out of it by its previous owner. That's like getting married to someone who already had a divorce. {mocking} "Well, she's not divorced. She's certified pre-fucked. Yes, she was married, but not anymore. Her divorce papers clearly certify that she was fucked by another man prior to me fucking her." So keep that white dress at home on the wedding day, ladies, it's meaningless. {off screen} I'm done. Dammit.

{The Ending screen appears.}

Fun FactsEdit

ExplanationsEdit

  • The 8-bit era was the third generation of video game consoles, but the first after the video game crash of 1983 and considered by some to be the first "modern" era of console gaming.
  • Certified Pre-Owned cars differ from run of the mill used cars by having been refurbished, and certified by the original dealer as being as good as new.

TriviaEdit

  • Foamy's cell phone reads:
    THE CREAMY HOLE
    BAGELS & MORE
    (212) 555-1055

Real World ReferencesEdit

  • Mozart's Requiem was Mozart's last composition and is also perhaps one of his most powerful and recognized works.

External LinksEdit


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